Emoetry - Dad = Dud

Dear dad, what do you see?
When you look at me?
Have I become what you've wanted me to be?
Has everything you ever wished for in a son manifested,
Somehow; I feel as though I'm not what you've expected,
Somehow; It feels as though you're disappointed.

There are time when I despise you,
Yet I've been raised to love you,
But everything I've done is never right for you,
You've never told me anything thats why I never have a clue,
You just start screaming at me out of the blue,
Your harsh words; stick in my mind as if it were glue.

Where is the man I go to for guidance?
Where is the man I look for whose advice is always in abundance?
Where is the man who I thought shined with a great radiance?
The more pain you put me through the more I'll stand in defiance,
The more anger I have for you makes me feel like you're a hindrance,
The more hostility I have for you will 1 day make me deem you a nuisance.

I've always looked up to you as an idol proudly,
Yet you've always shunned me aside coldly,
I've wished for the day where you'd talk to me calmly,
Without the angry tone of voice and hostility.
Without you always saying that I'm faulty,
Without you constantly putting me in a place of disability.

I know its not my place to change who you are,
The times we've spent as father & son are close to rare,
Its not that I do not care,
I've just never wanted to cause you pain,
Thats why I've hardly complain,
But I've got to let all this hate & anger out of my brain.

I do not want to hate my father,
I do not want to live in a state of anger,
I know walking that road leads to danger,
But what can I do if this continues to linger,
Is the only way of stopping this to sunder?
By drawing our relationship further and further?

These are the problems I wish I could solve,
These feelings of anger and hate I wish could dissolve,
If only my heart and mind was a valve,
I would be able to release these feelings with ease,
And stop feeling like I'm stuck with a disease,
And find a way for all these hate to cease.

To my father I apologize and say sorry,
I know I've always made you angry,
And I've done everything to make you worry,
Having a son like me does seem like a curse,
I'm sure all I do is make things worse,
So for now, all I'll do is get out of your way till the day I'm in a hearse.